Making Relationships Last

Around Valentine’s Day last year, I wrote about the need to go beyond showing love on just a couple big days with big gestures if you want to be truly romantic. A thoughtful gift or a meal shared at a trendy restaurant on February 14th can be a wonderful thing. But there are a lot of hours and days through the rest of the year when there isn’t a holiday to celebrate and you create (or don’t) the love in the air. Turning romantic sparks into long-burning flames is what makes a relationship a lasting one.

OK, great. Sparks into flames. What are some ways you can do that? As someone who has been married for 7 years–and together for 8 years prior to that–I’ve learned a thing or two about keeping a relationship strong, fun, and new. Not perfect (you can ask my wife about the boneheaded things I’ve done). But lasting and growing.

Be really, really good at talking and listening to each other. It’s nearly impossible to over-communicate and be too good of a listener. Work toward being able to talk openly about everything. Yup, even that. (What did you just think of? Have you talked about it?)

Be really good at talking about things that are going well, and things that aren’t. Every couple argues. You’re going to have competing goals and desires, misunderstandings, and silly skirmishes about things like figuring out what to eat (You pick! No you pick!). You have to learn how to argue well. How to disagree honestly and patiently. How to maintain your own dignity and point of view, while doing everything you can to respect and understand theirs. Figure out what the healthy, mutually beneficial resolution is, and how you can get there together. Arguing well is about finding your way back together when you got miles apart. Not who has the best one-liners and Exhibits entered into the court to prove a point.

The rest of the time–when you’re not arguing (which is hopefully most of the time)–you have to be forthcoming about how you feel, what you plan to do today, how you can get errands and chores done together, and everything else that’s happening in your lives. Keep the conversation going back and forth all the time. If you frequently find yourselves on the couch or in bed quietly immersed in each of your phones, you’ve got some work to do.

Don’t let things become predictable and routine. You shouldn’t be exactly the same person today as you were to your mate yesterday. Learn and grow. And encourage your significant other to learn and grow, too. Do things that enable you to learn and grow together. Classes, vacations, documentaries, hanging out with new people, and other things that will cause you to stretch what you think and what you do. Things should never stay the same between the two of you for very long. You both should know and feel that the relationship is going somewhere. That you’re growing in the ways you want to individually, and growing closer together.

Do surprising little things each day to show your mate how important they are and how much you care about them. Notes and doodles, an inexpensive gift on a random afternoon, home-cooked meals, massages and other loving touch. Sometimes small, unexpected things can change the course of a whole day and how good you feel about each other.

Make sure you have shared values. Sometimes opposites attract. They balance each other out in just the right ways. But if you have completely antithetical outlooks on life and core values, you’re very likely going to arrive at an impasse and part ways eventually. Incompatible religious or political beliefs. Whether or not to have kids or how to raise them. A generally hopeful and optimistic perspective versus a mostly cynical and nihilistic one. Some values and beliefs can change over time or be accommodated. Others are deal-breakers. You and your mate need to know that what matters to each of you most is at least complementary–if not very similar.

Don’t keep score. It doesn’t really matter how much or how little your significant other has done for you today or this week. If you truly love them, you should be more concerned about their well-being than your own. If they truly love you, they should be more concerned about your well-being than their own. You may do all the chores this week. They might surprise you by doing all the chores next week (because they know things shouldn’t be predictable and routine 😉 ).

Your relationship is probably not going to last if you’re doing exactly enough to keep things 50-50. They did ten points worth of good relationship stuff, so I guess I’ll do ten points worth of relationship stuff. It’s definitely not going to last if you’re angling for 40-60 or even less. It’s not a relationship if only one person is doing the majority of it.

True, lasting relationships become a virtuous cycle of enjoyment and fulfillment when you trust that being selfless with each other will meet each of your needs and desires. You give them your honesty, attention, time, patience, creativity, benefit of the doubt, generosity, faithfulness, and the rest of you, and trust that they’ll give you the same.

If you can talk and listen well; learn, grow, and surprise a little everyday; make sure you share what matters most; and don’t keep score; your relationship will burn with more and more heat. And you’ll know that your future together will be even brighter.

This Week in Upgrades: January 16

Hello, friend. I’m running behind today. It’s been a normal, full workday for me. Did you get Martin Luther King Jr Day off? If so, I hope it’s been a reflective and restful holiday.

Here are the most interesting things I came across this week…

Life’s much better with plants in your home. Here’s how to do it without ending up with a pot of dead branches.

Why are people ticklish?

The ongoing conversation about who gets to be an expert on cuisines from certain countries and cultures.

People who swear have been shown to be more honest. (That doesn’t mean they’re more moral).

Antibiotic resistance is getting worse. I feel like nobody’s really talking about this?

The world’s eight (8!) richest people have as much wealth as the bottom 50%. Just a little bit of inequality. Hierarchies may be vital to capitalism, but they’re not natural.

What can actually fix inequality? Policy? War?

The historically low amount of global sea ice should be a huge wake up call about the climate (in a long line of wake up calls).

Another wake up call.

A reminder to take studies praising or villainizing a particular food with a grain of salt (yeah, pun definitely intended).

Alaska is incredible.

Have an awesome week!

 

 

 

 

This Week in Upgrades: November 21

It’s here, guys. Thanksgiving week. If you weren’t listening to Christmas music already the last couple weeks like me, we’re legitimately into the holiday season now. I wrote some thoughts about the holidays yesterday if you didn’t get a chance to check it out. Do you have traditions you’re looking forward to? Favorite movies and music? Places you’ll go? Are there people and things you miss that are no longer around?

Here’s the best that I could find on the Internet this week. Check them out in-between the dishes you’re cooking.

Nature at its most intense. A reminder that safety is not guaranteed.

We all really need to move beyond identity politics.

Some Native American tribes are reviving indigenous crops, and it’s much more than a food fad.

Speaking of food, vegetables may be your secret weapon against illness this winter.

Is now finally the right time for electric cars?

Breakthrough success is not about waiting until you’re old enough. Get going!

CRISPR has been used on humans for the first time. The start of a new era of medicine.

If you’re still trying to make sense of the election, this is worth checking out.

It shouldn’t be a surprise that excessive screen time can rewire youngsters’ brains. “I would minimize it.”

Weekly global warming alarm bells: the North Pole is 36 degrees above normal and Arctic sea ice is at a record low.

National Bird looks like a must-see documentary.

“Post-truth” is Oxford Dictionaries’ word of the year. I’ve got some thoughts on what’s true and how we know in a post coming soon.

Have a wonderful week and Thanksgiving! (if you celebrate it).

 

This Week in Upgrades: November 7

Take a deep breath. I’m sure trying to. It’s the last day of campaigning before Election Day. After tomorrow, we’ll know who the next president is going to be. We’ll know what state ballot initiatives have passed and failed. With the finality of the election season, we’ll have more clarity about what our future is going to look like. And hopefully there’ll be more clarity about the role each of us will play in shaping the future. No matter who becomes president, we all will have work to do.

For better or worse, the election seems to be what’s on most people’s mind. But here are some other things from the week you might want to check out:

Alton’s Brown Good Eats, perhaps the best cooking show ever made, is returning as an online series. Brilliant.

Watch humanity spread across the planet over the last 200,000 years.

As we take steps toward becoming an interplanetary species, we’ll have to figure out how to deal with spacephobia.

Can clickbait ever become more than just digital junk food?

Here’s precisely how bad smoking is for your lungs. Why is smoking still a thing?

Do you work or live with a psychopath? Here are some tips for dealing.

Current climate commitments have us locked into too much warming. Have to get more honest and ambitious.

Anthony Hopkins is a really good actor. (Also, are you watching Westworld?!)

Hope you have a fantastic week!

 

 

This Week in Upgrades: April 18

Hello, good people. How was your Monday? Still grinding it out? Maybe I can help.

These links may be going up late, but there’s some great stuff in here to get your week on the right track. Stuff like…

100 years of film in 100 shots. Fantastic.

Or, every Disney song ranked worst to best. Do you agree?

I 100% agree that top sheets are a scam.

Hopefully we all can agree there should be more women on American currency, and it seems like it’s finally going to happen on the $20. Long-forgotten Hamilton stays on the $10, a woman gets the bill everyone has in their wallet. Win-win?

Speaking of Hamilton, as the musical’s popularity booms, more critics have weighed in and not everyone’s a fan. Is the musical actually racist, though?

In fascinating science things, the tree of life just got a whole lot more interesting.

Homo sapiens is pretty interesting on its own (hence this whole blog). Maybe we’re not as civilized as we think?

One thing’s for sure: the automobile is a sham.

Here’s another good reason to take it easy on the fast food. Eat well and cook!

Have an awesome week! You got this.

Kimmy Schmidt
via GIPHY

How to Adult: Cooking

When I did How to Adult: Eating, I promised one later about cooking. The future is now.

These two sides of food–eating and cooking–come with significantly different skill sets. With eating, we found that you can eat enjoyably and healthfully by following three basic principles: eat food, not too much, mostly plants. When it comes to cooking, five minutes watching an expert chef can send you retreating into thinking I’ll just go ahead and buy every meal for the rest of my life. How am I supposed to do that?

There’s an intimidation factor to overcome with cooking. I’ve been (attempting to) cook all kinds of stuff at home for years now, and I still worry I’m going to screw it up half the time. It’s going to happen. And that’s the point. The most important thing when it comes to cooking is that you try to cook.

Start with boxed macaroni and cheese and feel like a boss because you boiled and drained noodles, then added butter, milk, and powdered cheese to get a zesty (radioactive?) sauce. No shame. That’s about the only thing I knew how to cook when I first started making my own meals.

Or dive into a complex cookbook recipe with 31 ingredients that takes 6 hours to prepare.

Try, try, try.

You will definitely blow it once in awhile. Cooking is one of the last great opportunities for trial and error in a thoroughly routinized world. Sometimes you’ll add too much salt. Maybe the first time you give salmon a try you overcook it a bit. Seafood is especially daunting. But you learn when you mess up. Oh, this is how I should do it next time.

The sooner you start cooking at home, the better. It’s such a valuable pursuit. You know every ingredient that’s going into what you’re eating. You feel a sense of accomplishment for doing it yourself. It saves money because it’s cheaper than eating out. So many good things happen when you cook your own meals.

So how do you do it?

A little bit of equipment is required–the basic utensils, pots, pans, and the like. This list is a decent place to start, though I certainly don’t have everything that’s there. It takes time to acquire the kitchen gear you want or need, so start with inexpensive equipment that’s the most essential, and then add and replace as you go.

It’s hard to make anything if you don’t have steps to prepare it. That’s where recipes come in. The goal with recipes is to understand basic techniques and principles for putting ingredients together. How to Cook Everything, by former New York Times food columnist Mark Bittman, is really good for this. For hundreds of the most common dishes, he gives you the standard recipe to get the basic concept down, and then variations so that you learn how to improvise. In time, you’ll be able to look at what you have hanging around in your kitchen and turn it into meals.

My wife and I have also enjoyed using The Complete Cooking for Two Cookbook, because you end up with portions that are–surprise, surprise–just right for two people (or a meal for now and leftovers for later if you’re cooking for one). There are countless cookbooks, with dozens more published every week. If you want to expand the things you can make to dishes from a particular region of the United States, or strictly vegetarian, or specifically desserts, you can find any number of choices.

There are also tons of food blogs to mix in new recipes if you want to break from the books you’re using. Smitten Kitchen is a delight. Food 52 is endless. 101 Cookbooks is easy and healthful. Search and you will find.

When it comes time to plan and prepare meals, it helps me immensely to pick some of the things we’re going to cook during the week ahead of time, and get those groceries in one trip. Because of busyness, laziness, intimidation, and everything else, it’s probably not an achievable goal to cook each and every meal you eat in the next 7 days–at least when you’re starting out. Aspire to make something like 3 or 5 legit, cooked meals. The rest can be easy-to-put-together things like sandwiches, salads, and low-cost fast-casual stuff if you’re short on time. Making simple lunches with my wife to take to work is one of my zen moments during the week.

As you cook, you’ll find recipes you love and recipes you hate. There will be dishes that get a little better each time you prepare them, because you figured out you like to add more garlic than the recipe calls for, that your oven takes five minutes less than what the page says, or that there’s an ingredient that’s not in the recipe but makes it taste so much better.

You’ll get a repertoire of things that become a breeze to prepare because you’ve made them and modified them so many times. You can move up to making 8 or 10 (or more) meals at home each week, and try new, and even harder-to-cook, dishes. Way to go, Alton Brown.

There’s also a variety of techniques to learn–especially knife skills. There are more good videos online for cooking technique than you could ever watch.

Cooking, like so many things, is a lifelong process of developing understanding and ability. Don’t let the mastery of the celebrated chefs of the world intimidate you out of cooking yourself. If you want to get to their level, I’m certain you can. We need more people who care that much about real food. I’m in awe of what they do.

Or, just get really good at making simple and delicious pasta every Tuesday night.

Either way, it’s just a matter of trying. You got this, chef.

 

This Week in Upgrades: March 21

Happy spring! Southern California has essentially one season, but maybe it’s actually spring where you live. I was able to walk out the door in a fleece this morning so I’m happy with that.

All kinds of interesting and important things in the last week. Things like:

A news site is posting in Lakota to try to preserve the language.

Nautilus wonders why wheelchairs are more stigmatized than glasses. “Disability is partly a medical identity, and partly a political identity.”

Domino’s is testing a pizza delivery robot. Automation creeps in a little more each day.

This presidential election has been nearly impossible to explain. Maybe it all comes down to a wedding?

ICYMI: SeaWorld will no longer breed orcas in captivity.

America is undergoing its first major population dislocation due to climate change.

The news in your own country feels like the most important stuff in the whole world. But what is the rest of the world paying attention to?

Self-driving cars will change the nature of intersections (for the better).

It’s not great to drink your protein. We all need to ease up a bit on the meal replacement thing.

How do you stop Internet trolling?

A celebration of leftovers. Yes!

Have a fantastic week!

 

This Week in Upgrades: March 14

Oh hey, it’s a new week! Hope yours is off to a good start. My Monday was so filled with other things I didn’t get a chance to post this Upgrades, but Tuesday is close enough to the start of the week, right?

The time change from the weekend has me still trying to adjust to a different rhythm. Is that you too? Maybe it’s time to actually, finally end Daylight Saving Time?

The US Presidential election continues to be a head-scratching, exciting, depressing, astonishing process. What will happen next? Can we at least agree to condemn violence wherever and whenever it occurs?

Today’s 2 Super 2 Tuesday includes some important primary states. Is it your turn to vote? Get out there and do it!

Plenty of other interesting human stuff from the last week. Here are just a few things:

Does your nose ever alert you that you’re in need of a shower? Do you almost pass out when someone is wearing a whole bottle of cologne? Here’s the long history of battling body odor.

According to one study, just three laws would reduce 90% of all gun violence in the United States. That seems like a pretty big deal, if true.

Do you know the difference between ambiguous and ambivalent? Another grammar upgrade.

The National Parks of the United States are one of my favorite things (probably said that a million times). Sadly, they may be getting “loved to death”. How can we preserve them for the future?

Space and space exploration are pretty rad too, and PopChartLab has put together this awesome poster of all the vessels that have been sent out to study our solar system.

A depressing note on nutrition in the United States: half of all calories consumed now come from processed foods. Yikes.

Surely one of the great obstacles to eating well is cooking. Maybe 3 new seasons of Chef’s Table on Netflix will be inspiration for us all to make meals at home more. The original season was probably the best food documentary I’ve come across. Have you seen it?

 

This Week in Upgrades: February 8

Good Monday to you! I hope you’re well. Here in Southern California we’re set to break record high temperatures. I wasn’t prepared for 90° weather and fire warnings in February. Are you having unseasonal weather? I don’t think this is the way things are supposed to be.

Did you watch the Super Bowl? What did you think about the game and the rest of the spectacle? Plenty to talk about: the Broncos’ incredible defenseblatant product plugging, and the implications of Beyonce’s performance.

I’d imagine many fans are already starting to think about the next NFL season. Here’s how we might be watching games in augmented reality in the future. Is that awesome or overwhelming?

The New Hampshire primary is tomorrow, and I’ll keep reminding everyone to vote until we all have. Things are just starting to get good.

Lots of interesting human things in the last week. Here are just some of them:

Do you use cologne, perfume, body spray, or other body products with a scent? Fragrance may be making us really sick.

Are paper books immortal? Amazon will open at least 300 actual bookstores.

Google is providing free gigabit Internet to public housing in Kansas City. Well done.

I love the National Parks, and I’m happy whenever others go. But nature is not for Yelp-ing.

I am not a wine person, but I admire people like Madeline Puckette who are de-snobbing the craft.

Your moment of heartfelt silliness: James Corden carpool karaoke with Chris Martin.

You’ve probably heard of circadian rhythm. But do you know how it works and how to find your daily flow?

Are you familiar with the genre “competence porn?” From The Martian to Sherlock Holmes, we love the power of rational problem-solving.

One of the more important aging discoveries ever.” Will we see therapies for people based on this research in the near future?

The sooner we can move beyond racial stereotypes and outright racism the better. Really like BuzzFeed‘s “I’m…, but I’m not…” videos. Recently, “I’m Native, but I’m not…” and “I’m Black, but I’m not…”

The trailer for Netflix’s Cooked, based on Michael Pollan’s book. Looking forward to watching this.

Have a great week!

Essential Reading: Humans Are Underrated

Everything you’re skilled at will one day be done better by technology–if it isn’t already. So says Geoff Colvin, anyway, in his recent book Humans Are Underrated, and he’s got a compelling case. Artificial intelligence like IBM’s Watson is not only becoming more and more proficient at things like sifting through data and logic-based activities like chess or Jeopardy, it’s also starting to outperform humans in creative tasks like composing novels and cooking. There are not yet robots preparing Thai-Jewish Chicken or an Austrian Chocolate Burrito at your neighborhood restaurant, but they’re both dishes with novel flavor combinations and preparations created by Watson. According to people who’ve cooked and tasted them, they’re delicious. It’s only a matter of time before a bot is able to do the concocting and the cooking–no humans required.

What place is there for a chef in the world if a machine is able to create more interesting and tasty dishes?

 Or for a lawyer if a computer can research, argue, and win cases faster and more successfully?

Or a doctor if medical technology can diagnose and treat patients far more effectively than any human specialist or even a whole team of physicians?

In light of what the technology we’ve created is increasingly able to do, the future for human work and value appears troubling.

This isn’t an entirely new worry. When the Industrial Revolution began, technology first undermined artisans. A factory could produce countless guns of good quality far more efficiently than a lone maker handcrafting each one from start to finish. Artisans were increasingly marginalized or out of work, and low-skilled workers transitioned into operating the factory machinery.

Then came the cultivation and spread of electricity. Factories grew larger and machines more complicated, requiring higher-skilled, more educated workers. Low-skilled workers became dependent on an education to become smarter and better skilled in order to stay employed. Most people succeeded in this broad societal change in employment, and the standard of living skyrocketed from 1890 to 1970.

But in the 1980s, the rise of information technology suddenly reduced and decreased the wage of many “medium-skilled” jobs that had arisen and that people had educated themselves to be able to perform over the previous several decades. High-skill and low-skill jobs increased–infotech couldn’t yet do the complex judgment and problem-solving required for high-skilled work, or the physical skills of low-skill labor. Those in the middle were left trying to figure out how to move up or down.

Now, with technology like Watson, we are settling into the fourth great turning point. “Infotech is advancing steadily into both ends of the spectrum, threatening workers who thought they didn’t have to worry.” Whether it’s the sophisticated cognition of a lawyer or the creative, manual effort of a chef, technology is rapidly catching up to and eclipsing so-called high- and low- skill human abilities after knocking out much of the middle-skill in the 80s and 90s.

What will be the place of human beings in society if everything that we do technology does better?

In such a societal shift, there are huge implications for things like dignity, personal growth, and sense of purpose–as well as more practical implications like job security and a living wage.

Is there any hope for humans to retain their humanity?

As Colvin notes, if we want to know if there’s any humanity that can persist into the future it won’t do to fixate on what technology cannot do. We’ve already tried asking that question, and we keep getting proved wrong. Many predicted that technology could never really infiltrate into the human territory of the abilities that make for, say, an excellent doctor or musician. Technology is advancing so quickly that a machine like Watson is already undermining those predictions.

Instead, we need to ask a subtly different, but perceptive and powerful question: “What are the activities that we humans…will simply insist be performed by other humans, regardless of what computers can do?

We are wired for relationship and sociality. We have evolved for rich person-to-person interaction; for complex conversation and emotional entanglement; for creating ideas and problem-solving together; for empathy. Colvin describes it succinctly as “discerning what each other is thinking and feeling, and responding in an appropriate way.” No matter how proficient technology becomes, there will always be activities, vocations, and interactions that we insist happen between humans because of the capacities and cravings that make up who we are as people.

Perhaps at the beginning of this piece you cringed a bit at the thought of a robot preparing your meal for exactly that reason. It doesn’t have the choreography, the emotion, the ineffable humanity, of sitting down at the chef’s table of an award-winning restaurant, or stepping up to a bustling food truck, with an engaging person cooking the food.

There are countless other domains that we will continue to yearn for the social sensitivity of people navigating the experience. The sharing of a heartbreaking medical diagnosis; governance and diplomacy; the education and raising of a child; counseling and friendship; concerts, art galleries, and myriad other artistic endeavors. Even if those activities are aided by advancing technology (which is not necessarily a bad thing), we will almost certainly always hope for and require that there be human-to-human connection involved. It fulfills our deepest needs and desires as humans.

No matter what skills technology encroaches or supersedes, our connection to one another, our empathy, is the future of our flourishing and meaningfulness. That’s a future worth embracing.